What did I do wrong?

Did he mean it? 

He loves me right?

What did I do to make him mad?

He said sorry, does that mean he won’t do it again?

STOP!

If you find yourself asking any of the above then it’s time to leave. Domestic abuse/violence is real, I’ve lived it and I’m learning to live without it. I know that sounds daft, “learning to live without it”, but when you’re with someone for a couple of years you get comfortable and set in your ways. My physical wounds healed but the mental ones are still healing.

I look back at my time with my abuser and I want to kick myself for how obvious the abuse was, the signs were all there and I just chose to ignore it. Why though? he made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything, he made me think he was the only one I needed and without him I was nothing. I loved him and he broke me in so many ways, I did everything for him and he was just using me for his own personal gain, he used to beg me for money to fund his drug habit and to make him happy I complied and even ended up in debt for him, he made me think I wasn’t worthy of true happiness. He even had people join in on the abuse. In the end I had to do what was right for not just me but for my daughter as well and now the abuser is no longer allowed near us nor is he allowed any third party contact.

We don’t mention the abuser in our house anymore, when ever he is mentioned it’s when she’s asking why he did what he did and then confirming that she doesn’t see him or want to see him anymore, then that’s it she won’t mention him again for a couple of weeks and as time goes on she’s mentioning him less and less. I’ve asked her school for some extra support for her and they’re looking at starting play therapy soon. 

If I had known back then what I know now then I would’ve walked away years ago. Thankfully I got the help I needed, I moved on and I’m writing this blog post to help women or men in similar situations to realise that you’re not alone and you are worth more than the shit they’re putting you through.

Some of the sites below have helped me a lot over the past year and a half.

http://new.mankind.org.uk/

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-violence-and-abuse

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The Turd year

Sorry I mean Third year… 
Heidi has been 3 for just over a week now and I swear, remember me saying she’s a Damien type in an earlier post?, guys I’m not even joking I am actually raising the Anti-Christ!! 

You’ll get people trying to “warn” you about terrible twos and how they’re the worst thing ever, but mate terrible twos were like a small taster, imagine your two year old and times their attitude by like 100 and it’s still no where near as bad as what they’ll actually be like at three. For those who don’t have kids, imagine raising a mini Conor McGregor because I shit you not that is exactly what Heidi is like, always pumped up and ready to go. 

You know that look your mum used to give you when you were playing up in public? The one where you just knew when you got home you were going to get a crack?… I do it to Heidi now and it has zero effect… in fact she does one back and it’s 10xs scarier than mine. I get comments about her when we’re out like “aww she looks like butter wouldn’t melt”… yeah looks are deceiving!! She’s an evil turd.

I really don’t know how my mum coped having 5 of us, I’ve got one and I’m losing the will to live.

Letting your guard down

Imagine going through domestic violence and thinking you’ll never trust another male. That was me until I met you. We started speaking last August and things were good, you came over we chatted and I let you in, I told you how it was hard for me to trust people after what I had been through and you told me you were “still sore” over things with your ex. We agreed to take things slow and see what happens, feelings weren’t a problem but timing was.

After a couple of months you went silent due to a move away from Manchester, we got back in touch a few months later and things took off where they were left, we spoke every day for almost 5 months, sending memes and intimate pictures. A day came when you said something strange and I got annoyed and told you how I felt, a few days later I said I was over it and all good. Then all of a sudden, there was silence, i popped up a few times and nothing back. 

What had I done wrong? You never said go away or leave me alone. It was pure silence. Until today, when your girlfriend messaged me, she told me to stop messaging you because you weren’t interested and said it was low of me because you had a girlfriend, how was I supposed to know? You never indicated you had one? 2 hours later you messaged “sorry I’m taken” that was it nothing else. I then find out off her you’ve been together since October… OCTOBER the month you were still coming to my house, the month we were still talking…. 

I let you in and you hurt me worse than anyone ever has. I put trust in you and you made me feel safe. All that is now ruined. You’ve made me out to look like a psycho who was harassing you. All I ever wanted was a simple answer. You’ve hurt me and for what? I never did anything wrong. If putting time and effort into something is wrong then so be it.

I’ve never wanted to be the “other woman” but that’s what you’ve now made me. 

Trust your instincts!

After picking Heidi up from nursery on Monday I was told she was itching all over and asked if she was allergic to her sun cream, knowing she isn’t I said no, to nursery it looked like “prickly heat”, so I went straight to the chemist to get some ointment to sooth her itching.

Shortly after Heidi went to bed she woke up crying and then threw up everywhere, she came onto the sofa with me and had some water, my sister advised me to ring NHS 111 for advice, by this point Heidi was closing her eyes and wasn’t acting like her normal self (even when she’s been sick before this wasn’t like her!), during the phone call Heidi threw up 3 times in a row so they sent for an ambulance, an hour later still no ambulance, I managed to get Heidi to walk around a bit and she threw up again, immediately rang 999 and an ambulance came in a few minutes, Heidi’s obs were taken and we went straight to hospital, further checks were done to make sure it wasn’t anything serious and after some medicine and fluids Heidi was allowed home with instructions to keep her off nursery the next day.

When it comes to your children you know straight away when they’re not acting themselves and Heidi was completely different! After a day off nursery and chilling out Heidi is back to normal loud, chatty and little shite self!

I love this little turd even if she is going to cause me to have a heart attack before I’m 30!!

Self love

After having Heidi I hated my body, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I felt that minging, I was constantly put down about my weight gain by my ex partner so that made me eat more and of course that only fuelled the weight gain…  Last year I decided to say fuck it and embrace my new body, as long as I love my body why should I care what others think? I’ve been called fat and it doesn’t bother me, my bmi says I’m healthy… might have a few rolls and an extra couple of chins but as long as my bmi is below 25 I’m all good!

I want my daughter to grow up to love her body too, I’m sure she wishes she has rolls like me because she’s forever trying to wiggle mine.

Everyone needs to learn to love their bodies no matter what shape and size they are, doesn’t matter if some little fucker doesn’t like it, as long as you do who cares!

Manchester

On Monday, a terrorist by the name of CUNT decided to set off a bomb in the Manchester Evening News Arena as people were leaving the Ariana Grande concert, this bombing took the lives of 22 people, the youngest victim being 8 years old. This premeditated attack has devastated my city.

Yes we’re all in mourning for the victims lost and those still fighting for their lives but we honestly cannot let this attack dampen our spirits! We are Manchester, even in darkness we have to carry on, the bombing of the Anrdale back in 1996 didn’t stop us, yes no lives were lost but still it didn’t stop us, we carried on, got stronger as a community and after the recent events over the past few days we can do this again, our city has got to be one of the strongest I’ve ever seen, 100s possibly 1000s have inked their skin with the Manchester Bee, millions have been raised for the victims/victims families and even after a tearful minute silence people spontaneously broke out in song!

It’s okay to be angry, I’m furious some little wanker can do such a heartless thing especially where children are concerned, Terrorist want us to fear them, why give them the satisfaction, a piece of dog shit has more intelligence than a terrorist.

Rest in peace
Saffie Rose Roussos aged 8 from Tarleton, Lancs
Eilidh MacLeod aged 14 from Isle of Barra
Nell Jones aged 14 from Goostrey, Cheshire
Sorrell Leczkowski aged 14 from Leeds
Megan Hurley aged 15 from Liverpool
Olivia Campbell aged 15 from Bury
Chloe Rutherford aged 17 from South Shields
Georgina Callander aged 18 from Whittle-le-Woods, Lancs
Liam Curry aged 19 from South Shields
Courtney Boyle aged 19 from Gateshead
John Atkinson aged 26 from Radcliffe, Manchester
Martyn Hett aged 29 from Stockport
Kelly Brewster aged 32 from Sheffield
Philip Tron aged 32 from Gateshead
Angelika Klis aged 40 form Poland
Marcin Klis aged 42 from Poland
Lisa Lees aged 43 from Royton
Elaine McIver aged 43 from Cheshire
Alison Howe aged 44 from Royton
Michelle Kiss aged 45 from Blackburn
Wendy Fawell aged 50 from Otley, Leeds
Jane Tweddle-Taylor aged 51 from Blackpool
_96179214_staystrongourkid
 

Working and parenting

I’ve worked since I was 17, so getting pregnant was a big hit to the system, I wanted to work all the way through my pregnancy but due to not having a fixed address it was extremely hard so I stopped working and my god I was fucking bored 24/7. 
After Heidi was born I wanted to go back to work almost immediately, I’m talking 3 weeks after popping her out… everyone said I was crazy even at my interview, but the hours couldn’t work so I decided to put it off for a year and I’m so glad I did! 

I got to see all of Heidi’s firsts and got such an unbreakable bond with her, the September after her first birthday I started back at college and Heidi started nursery, I hated leaving her with people I didn’t know but we needed to spend some time away from each other and get into a proper routine, I honestly believe it was the best thing for us, even if I did hate the nursery.

Around March I started working again, Only part time but with college and parenting along side it was bloody hectic! I was hardly seeing Heidi due to working evenings and I was snapping all the time, when my course ended I put Heidi in a different nursery on the days I worked and she took to it straight away and so did I. In September I switched jobs to one closer to home and switched Heidi’s hours and it was the best decision for us both, Heidi is in a perfect routine and so clever for her age (just to brag a bit there).

It was a very hard year for me but I pulled through and passed my course and I’m quite good at my job and Heidi’s still breathing so I’ve done alright. Parenting itself is flipping hard work, and working is hard work, if I could afford it I’d sit at home and put Heidi in nursery on her free 15 hours… but unfortunately I have a Next card to pay off… 

Starting September I’ll be repeating last year all over again, starting my HND course, working and trying to tame my child.. 
I must be fucking mental. 

Fed is best 

Now I forever heard “breast is best” when I was pregnant and I’ll never disagree with it. I had many judgments over my decision to not breastfeed or even trying it, the best one was off my own GP who told me she thought it was disgusting that I didn’t even want to try… (guess who no longer works at my surgery).I believe it’s a mothers choice on how she feeds her baby, I chose bottles for Heidi and I don’t see any difference in her compared to breastfed babies. Feed your babies the way you wish, if you want to breastfeed then you whip that boob out and feed your baby! If you want to formula feed the baby then mix that shit together and stick it in a bottle and get your baby fed!

The only time feeding should concern you is when a baby isn’t being fed, otherwise keep your nose out of someone’s feeding business! 

Fed will and forever be the best!

Homeless & Pregnant

 I’m very open about the fact I’ve been through homelessness, it was the hardest experience I’ve ever been through. 

So back in 2013 I was kicked out of my family home by my parents. I was a fucking nightmare, I treated everyone like shit and had no respect for my parents so it resulted in my being kicked out just before Christmas. Do I hate my family for it? NOPE, if anything it was the best thing they ever did for me, it made me grow up and realise my actions were unacceptable.

Shortly after being kicked out (literally a week later) I discovered I was pregnant, perfect timing or what! So not only was I homeless but now I was pregnant as well…so anyway I spent 3 weeks living with my friend before moving in with my grandad and spending a month at his, after a few issues I was moved into a homeless shelter, I won’t lie it was grim but a roof over your head is a roof over your head. After two weeks I was moved into another homeless shelter where I spent the next 19 weeks, I made friends in there and even enemies, after a couple of weeks I decided to keep myself to myself and stay out of everyone’s way until it was time for me to move into homeless families. At 34 weeks pregnant I was moved into homeless families accommodation where I stayed for the next 4 weeks before moving into the little home I’m in now!

I was one of the very lucky homeless people that lived in a shelter, I could’ve been on the streets living in awful conditions. You start to appreciate the small things in life when you’re in homelessness, for example I had to share a toilet and bathroom with 14 other women for almost 5 months, so having my own toilet now is great!

Going through homelessness was hard enough but being pregnant just made it even harder for me, luckily I had such amazing support from my friends and even got a stronger relationship with my parents and family. Funnily enough I live on the road next to my family… still couldn’t get rid of me even if they did try! 

The Birth of Heidi Georgia

Like any expectant mother I was so scared to give birth, excited but so scared and not even for pushing Heidi out I just didn’t want my vagina poked and prodded by a random woman hahaha

So Heidi was due 17th August 2014 but being the stubborn cow that she is she arrived 8 days late!

Around 10pm on August 24th I started getting back ache, I didn’t think much of it so I chilled out and lay on my bed, around 1.30am I was speaking to Heidi’s dad on the phone when all of a sudden my stomach started to hurt, me being me passed it off as needing a poo, Around half an hour later the pain wasn’t shifting so I thought I’d get in the bath (something I love doing if I have any pain at all), the pains got stronger so I rang my mum. Pros of living round the corner from my family, my mum whizzed round and by 2:45am I was contracting every 4 minutes, we rang for an ambulance and it arrived half an hour later.

Whilst in the ambulance I tried gas and air and threw up my mums lasagne from the evening before, the paramedic hit a pot hole in the road and that sent my contractions sharper, when we arrived at the hospital the midwives weren’t fussed by me arriving and they put me on a monitor (they said 10 minutes but that turned into 45), in that time I started moaning at my mum for rubbing my back wrong, poor woman got all my abuse! Just before 5am I was checked to see how dialated I was and I was 5cms, so off we went to the birth centre, after some confusion from a midwife sending me to the wrong area we arrived at the birth centre, whilst they filled the bath I tried gas and air again and my god it was the best drugs I’ve ever had!

I ran to the bath (yep a heavily pregnant contracting Madison ran to get in the bath) I spent the next 5 hours in that bath on the gas and air refusing to speak to anyone, I grunted every time I was asked a question and put my thumbs up to say I was fine, my mum sat behind me the entire time (I made it clear to her she wasn’t to look at my lady area hahaha), around 10.20am I started pushing, it literally felt like my fu was being burned, the best way to describe it is a watermelon covered in sandpaper, it was the worst pain ever (even though I honestly cannot remember the pain fully now), so at 10.37am on August 25th 2014 Heidi graced us with her presence, she came flying out superman style! 

I’d honestly go through it all again it was the best experience and day of my life!